Written by: February 25, 2024
If you’re a recovering people-pleaser, read this:
Principle-First
For years, I tried to please everyone. (Spoiler: You can’t.)
People-pleasing left me resentful and exhausted. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Thankfully, I discovered 5 strategies to break free from this cycle…
SUPERHUMAN SCORING
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Impact (9.5/10)
First, the toll of people-pleasing:
[Image by Matt Shirley]
Anyone else notice a lack of green ‘relaxation’ in the chart? 😅
Living as a chronic people-pleaser is like walking on a tightrope. You're always one step away from losing yourself.
You start living for others, forgetting what makes your heart beat. It's a heavy price to pay for fleeting approval.
The truth is, when you prioritize everyone else's happiness over your own, you're not living; you're just surviving.
Today’s newsletter is not just about rejecting people-pleasing; it's about embracing your authentic self.
It's about making choices that align with your values, desires, and needs.
5 tips to stop people-pleasing, here we go…
Setup (7.0/10)
1. Default to ‘No’
Whether it’s new work projects or social gatherings, saying ‘Yes’ to non-priorities ruins your priorities.
In the words of Derek Sivers, if it’s not a ‘Hell yeah,’ it’s a no.
Caveat: Earlier in your career, it's beneficial to stay open to new experiences and opportunities. As you increase your skills, understand what you like, and receive better inbound opportunities, learning to say ‘No’—to prioritize—is crucial.
2. Say ‘No’ Gracefully
Steal this template for an elegant ‘No’ (Inspired by Tim Ferriss):
- Express gratitude for receiving the invite.
- Acknowledge it’s a wonderful opportunity.
- Say you thought about the offer carefully.
- Point to why you must say ‘No’ (overcommitted, deadline, personal rule, blanket policy, etc.).
- Wish them luck; say their event/project will be a big success.
3. Communicate Boundaries
I recently came across this quote I love:
“Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.”
—Neil Strauss
Set boundaries with this 5-step script:
- Ask: “Is now a bad time?”
- When you _____, I felt _____.
- I have a personal rule where I only allow/don’t allow _____.
- If you keep doing _____, I will have to _____.
- I hope we can make this work and continue to _____.
You are worthy of being stood up for.
4. Focus on Being Kind Rather Than Nice
A “nice” manager avoids tough conversations.
A “kind” manager shares constructive feedback. They care more about their team’s development than being liked.
Kindness contributes value, while niceness robs others of growth.
5. Normalize the ‘Gift of Goodbye’
You don’t owe loyalty to a friend or employer who steals your energy or belittles you.
Successful and happy people simply say goodbye.
Maintenance (7.0/10)
Practice saying ‘no' in low-stakes situations and gradually work your way up.
Remember, boundaries are not walls to keep people out but gates to guard your well-being.
Changing lifelong habits is tough, and there will be setbacks.
Most importantly, cultivate self-compassion. Be kind to yourself during this process.
A few of my favorite books about choosing authenticity over people-pleasing:
- Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
- No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover
- Radical Candor by Kim Scott
BRINGING IT HOME
“Don’t be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself trying to please the people around you.”
—Lewis Howes
My 5-tip summary from a recovering people-pleaser:
- Default to ‘No’
- Say ‘No’ Gracefully
- Communicate Boundaries
- Focus on Being Kind Rather Than Nice
- Normalize the ‘Gift of Goodbye’
You have the power to shape your life—one choice, one boundary, one brave ‘No' at a time.
Don’t measure your worth by your capacity to please others. Measure it by the courage to be unapologetically you.
All systems go,
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